My name is Tucker.
Liberals just call me Mother Fucker.
Well, it was Memphis back in mid-July.
I was sittin in my pickup truck getting high.
Before I headed into the grocery store.
Get my weekly supplies.
10 minutes later there I wuz,
Pushing my shopping cart thru Walmart,
Enjoying my buzz.
And that’s when it happened…
I was pushing my shopping cart thru walmart…
When one of them LBGQ folks slammed her cart into mine.
I said excuse me. She said fuck you.
I stood back, not sure what to do.
I said, I told you I was sorry ma’am,
Maybe you didn’t understand,
But now if you’ll just pull your cart back, and let me pass,
That’ll be the last thing the likes of you I ever ask.
Well, she just stood there looking at me from my feet to my head.
Then she curled her lip, and this is what she said:
She said, I’m not a ma’am, I’m an it,
And I can tell that you’re a trump-loving hypocrite
From that MAGA cap that’s on your head….
Well I ain’t a fighting man,
but for Donald Trump, I’ll take a stand.
So I reached into my shopping cart and I got hold of a t-bone steak.
whipped it out and pointed it at its face.
And then I shouted out real loud to everyone in the place.
GET BACK: WHAT WE GOT US HERE IS A DEMOCRAT!
Just look at its beady little eyes.
Why, it could be a spy.
It might be a secret agent working for the FBI.
Hell, it might be from their Wuhan Station.
Come here to give us all a vaccination…..
Well, people were starting to gather round.
They were looking at it.
It was looking at the ground.
That’s when I decided to lay it on real thick.
YEAH, what we got here is a climate-change fanatic,
a gun-control,
migrant-loving,
opioid addict.
Why, I bet it’s got a windmill in its backyard.
(……)
People began to grumble.
I heard someone curse.
Then a man stepped out of the crowd,
got hold of its PURSE.
And dumped all the contents on the floor
There among,
the lipstick cases and packs of gum,
half-dozen lottery tickets and a teargas gun,
there it was:
A big BLACK double headed DILDOH!
(……)
The crowd gasped…
One elderly lady plum collapsed.
And then a hush fell over the store.
Why, if someone had dropped a pin, you would have heard it hit the floor.
Everyone was just standing there staring at it….
Well, it started to whimper,
and then it began to cry.
I started to feel bad for it, and wonder why.
Why had it gone this far?
….
After a few moments, it wiped its eyes.
Stooped down, and to my surprise,
It picked that thang up off the floor.
It stood up and looked at all of us.
We were all looking back at it in disgust.
Then it shook its head.
And this is what it said:
It said, yaal just standing there looking at me,
but I ain’t what you think you see.
Why I was born a farmer’s daughter in West Tennessee.
Just like you folks I used to be.
Why I was a card toting, regular voting, member of the Republican party.
And now, since y’all are just standing around,
I’m going to tell you about this dildo I found.
And how it came to be that I quit the Republicans,
and became a dildoh toting member of the Democratic party.
It all started back in eighty-five,
when dear old dad was still alive.
Then the bank came and took the farm.
Daddy shot himself in the head with Granpa’s firearm…..
….
(I put that t-bone steak back in my shopping cart)
….
She continued:
Yep, and that’s not all they were up to.
While here at home they were confiscating our farms,
they were down in Central America buying drugs with arms.
They brought em back,
and they got poor people to sell it in our own neighborhoods as crack.
Then they started arresting people who weren’t much different than you and me,
locking ‘em up in their privatized, profit making penitentiaries.
Why my brother Johnny got hooked on their coke,
spent 8 long years in the pok.
My two little nephews grew up without their Daddy.
All under the pretense of a war on drugs?
Now you tell me,
who were the real thugs.
Family values my ass.
Then they lied about Iraq and they waffled on Iran.
They never told us they were bombing little children in Afghanistan.
They stole billions of dollars while they were at it, and when they got done,
we had a bigger mess than when it all begun.
Yeah, they acted like they cared, but they didn’t give a damn
We didn’t learn a thing from Vietnam.
And oh, don’t let me forget the great mortgage scam 2008,
when they took my house because of the payment I could make.
And then along came Donald Trump.
He sang a different song.
And so I jumped on the bandwagon.
But it wouldn’t last long.
Pandemic hit and took my man.
Wiped out my savings, and I had to cancel my insurance plan.
So there I was, with a teenage son, a tween girl, and little young-un.
So I got me a job at Amaz-un.
Got one at Fed-Ex too.
But the money just wasn’t enough to see us through.
Meanwhile, Mr Trump getting richer.
His friends and the other billionaires too.
Me, I was getting poorer,
same as you.
And it just kept getting worse.
And then it happened one day,
I was looking through the newspaper trying to find a job that would pay.
And there it was,
“Wealthy binary person seeks loving companion.
All your financial needs taken care of.”
Well, what was I to do?
Ask the government for help after all they put me thru?
Fuck the government.
And, so I applied for the job, and I got it too.
That’s when they gave me this here dildoh, showed me what to do.
And wouldn’t you know, that binary person was big-shot democratic politician, too.
And so there you have it, that’s the facts.
That’s how I became one of them dildoh-toting democrats.
Now y’all can hate me, I know that you do.
But just remember one thing:
What happened to me, could have happened to you.
And then it took its dildoh.
And we watched as it walked out the door.
All of us knew we’d never see it no more.
Me, I took off my MAGA cap and held it to my chest,
Turned to the crowd and said I gotta confess:
It was right about one thing: this country is in a God-awful mess.
And so there’s the story I wanted to share today.
If there’s any lesson in it, I’d have to say,
Well, you probably already know,
Politics is like a double-headed dildoh
With the one end, politicians are screwing republicans like me and you.
With the other end, they’re screwing democrats too.
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