HazelBrown

i'm yearning to be lighter
i'm nothing but a worn down exhausted fighter
they say you can be happy or you can be right
why do i have to choose...its the question that keeps me up at night
everyone says you can have it all
no one mentions how much it hurts to fall
everyone loves an underdog
until they start to win
then the online hating and jokes begin
suddenly winning feels more like a sin
the very ones who hyped you up
now judging the success flowing from your cup
i can't win for losing
my guarded heart heard you gossip
i see the petty, hating life you're choosing

finding my stride
enjoying one hell of a ride
lessons learned
on who i can confide
smaller and smaller my circle has become
trusting only a few now
keeps me from coming undone

i'm learning to drown the noises out from my head
i'm not going to stay hidden in the dark
under the covers of my bed
just because of the jealous untrue things you said

you can be happy or you can be right?
that question will no longer keep me up at night
i choose me

did you hear me beg?
did you hear me scream?
can you answer what happened to our fxxxing dreams?

will i get past everything i've heard and seen?
i think i'm still in shock that you could be so damn mean
for god sake answer me
how do i wash you off of me...i feel so dirty ...so unclean

Did you say anything that you fxxxing mean?
was it all lies?
fake tears and cries? unproven alibis.
looking back its all so damn obscene

and now you are standing here asking for one last chance?
i've been there too many times
i know the whole damn dark and twisted dance

looking in your eyes for spark of truth
a glimmer of our love or some humanity
all i see is a blank stare
zero empathy
and so much vanity

you refuse to apologize or recognize your part
in breaking this bleeding, broken, too big heart

you still cant answer me... you threw away our hopes and dreams
seems to me that wasn't very smart
good bye now
its time too part
the best part of my life is about to start
time to heal this broken, bleeding, too big heart

don't talk to me about my "flaws"
don't come at me with your dirty claws
until you look at your own issues
don't blame your problems on me with your tears and tissues
whispers about you are never new
rumors of your abuse grew and grew
i'm done being a pawn in your twisted mind games
i want more for my life than your never ending need for adoration and fame

too many nights your voice is stuck in my head
knowing i wont sleep
dreading even getting into my bed
replaying years of hearing the nasty things you've said

i'm stronger now than i use to be
its time you met this new version of me
hi..nice to meet you..now leave
i burn bridges as needed to protect my peace
i'm not the same girl who use to wear my heart on my sleeve

you were every star in the nights sky
lighting up my small world
just by saying hi
you gave me the smallest pieces of you
flowers, movies, dinners for two

but the little affection you gave me
never even got pg rated
i wasn;t one of the lucky girls you actually dated

i was so damn young
so fxxxing naive
i thought you would come to your senses and see
it was the perfect end to my made up romantic comedy

i waited and waited
for you to see that it was always suppose to be me
you aren't the villain in this story
you just couldn't love me back
i was sure i could love us enough
to make up for any feeling you might lack

i was willing to accept the breadcrumbs you left for me to follow
even now...so many years lAter
not being loved back by you is a hard pill to for me swallow

all these years later i heard what you said
you finally can see
what you lost out by not seeing what could have happened with "we"

here we are
in the glow of the moonlight
meeting again
my sleepless dreams
pulling me apart at my seams
cursed with remembering my past deeds
blooming in my head
like planted seeds
the vines growing around me like poison weeds
my past ,my choices swirl in my head
when all i want is to go to bed
but here i am instead...
up again at 3:00
i'm running on empty
all outta fumes
cracked into pieces
feeling nothing but used

I feel deeply until i no longer feel at all
like the closing of a 2:00 am bar
time to go now
its past time for last call
time to close the doors to your demanding expectations
I'm done dealing with your drama, anger and bad choices
the overwhelming revelations that i deserve better
consider this your dear john letter
i choose me
goodbye to We
burning all your letters like a viking funeral at sea
returning all the energy I gave you
i lost myself
it;s a sad old tale but so damn true
an now....what's left?
oh yeah...
ME
rising from the ashes of your twisted affection
learning to be ok with just me and my reflection
so much free time without your angry attention
my life looks so much better now that i'm facing the right direction

i'm not fragile like a flower
not a princess waiting high up in my tower
not searching for love, fortune, fame or power
im fragile...
like a bomb
fxxx with me and i will obliterate your calm
a fragility that isn't weak
i wont fall apart from the cruel words you speak
but push me past my breaking point
it wont be my nose that gets out of joint
its worse than the sound of the click boom
my silence is deafening as i am leaving the room
because once i go
i will never circle back
leaving you feeling unworthy is my ultimate attack