Theresa Astrea

It Was Always Him

Love is a word too shallow
for the depth in his eyes.
They soften like moonlight
falling out of the sky.

If I’ve doubted his truth,
or questioned his depth,
it wasn’t him I doubted—
just old blood I’d kept.

He stirred the sleeping places
I thought I’d buried deep.
Not to break me open—
just to show me what still speaks.

Maybe nothing was wasted,
not the ache or where I’ve been.
Everything that happened
had to happen
to get me to him.

I stopped waiting long ago
for someone to make me whole.
But somehow he reaches
a softer place in my soul.

Now I rest there in silence,
where the old wounds grow mild.
His eyes are the pillow
for my heart for a while.

Never Mind

**Verse 1**

You seemed different for a little while,

a different face,
a different smile.

I almost thought
you might rewrite

a story I've seen
a thousand nights.

You watched me close.

You learned my ways.

You studied shadows
I rarely gave.

For a moment
I thought you might

keep looking deeper
past first light.

Then something shifted,
subtle, slight.

Wonder faded
out of sight.

You confused arrival
with discovery,

and called the ending
victory.

**Pre-Chorus**

The silver hook
beneath the tide,

still reaching for
what it can't keep alive.

You set the pace,
then changed your mind.

Never mind.

**Chorus**

Truth has a tone
you cannot hide.

Vacancy stumbles
where depth resides.

Impulse is easy.

Mastery is divine.

You call it nature.

I call it blind.

Never mind.

**Verse 2**

The mystery never left.

That's the strange part.

The stars stayed fixed.

The sky stayed dark.

The pages waited
where they had been.

You simply stopped
reading them.

The story lingered.

The questions too.

There were still worlds
inside the room.

But certainty
can dull the eye,

and turn a universe
into wallpaper design.

You thought the map
was fully drawn.

You missed the places
beyond the dawn.

**Pre-Chorus**

You point below.

I point above.

You speak of wanting.

I speak of love.

Not the feeling.

The choice behind.

The thing that stays
when sparks decline.

**Chorus**

Truth has a tone
you cannot hide.

Vacancy stumbles
where depth resides.

Impulse is easy.

Mastery is divine.

You call it nature.

I call it blind.

Never mind.

**Bridge**

Maybe that's why
I knew the rhyme.

Maybe I've walked
this road through time.

Different covers.

Different names.

The same old ending
wearing new paint.

You wanted wonder.

Not the work.

The spark.

Not what it serves.

The question.

Not the years required

to tend the flame
beyond desire.

You found a doorway.

Stepped inside.

Then acted like
there was nothing left to find.

**Final Chorus**

Truth has a tone
you cannot hide.

Vacancy stumbles
where depth resides.

Impulse is easy.

Mastery is divine.

A man is measured
by what survives.

By what he tends.

By what he finds.

You call it nature.

I call it blind.

Never mind.

Verse 1
I wasn’t living, I was surviving
Running on a fraying wire
Body moving, soul exhausted
Cold ash where there once was fire

I knew how to fake a morning
Just get through one more day
But I stopped expecting beauty
And let my best parts fade

Pre-Chorus
Then the numb began to loosen
The dark began to move
The buried parts inside me
Began to breathe near you

Chorus
Blue looks deeper
Gold burns true
Green looks greener
Standing next to you
My eyes see dreams now
Like they used to
Life feels like living
Walking with you

Verse 2
I went dim behind my own eyes
Lost in rooms I couldn’t leave
Then the silence in me shifted
When it found its way to you

Pre-Chorus
Then the numb began to loosen
The dark began to move
The buried parts inside me
Began to breathe near you

Chorus
Blue looks deeper
Gold burns true
Green looks greener
Standing next to you
My eyes see dreams now
Like they used to
Life feels like living
Walking with you

Bridge
Now the glass looks warmer
Now the sky spreads wide
Now the night feels softer
As the dark unwinds

Final Chorus
Blue looks deeper
Gold burns true
Green looks greener
Standing next to you
My eyes see dreams now
Like they used to
Life feels like living
Walking with you

Outro
I wasn’t living
I was just getting through
Now life feels like living
Walking with you

Verse 1
I was all open window
No lock, no chain
Mistook attention
For something true again
Laid my whole heart down
Like it had no name
Wore it like love
Till it felt like pain

Verse 2
Too quick to the deep end
Too calm on the ledge
I made myself smaller
To soften the edge
Poured out like water
Till the river was dry
Kept giving and giving
Till I was hollow inside

Chorus
I’m still afraid
But I go anyway
Out of my head
Where it’s safer to stay
I’m still afraid
But you pull at my heart
Where I have to be brave
Without coming apart

Verse 3
Solitude found me
Silent and bare
No one to reach for
No one was there
Just shadow and sunlight
Still meeting me there
And in the silence
I found my prayer

Verse 4
Now confidence moves quiet
Steady and low
Soul-deep steps
Only my spirit knows
The choices still cut
But I know what I know
What breaks in the dark
Is rebuilt in the soul

Chorus
I’m still afraid
But I go anyway
Out of my head
Where it’s safer to stay
I’m still afraid
But you pull at my heart
Where I have to be brave
Without coming apart

Bridge
Vulnerability
Was never weak
It takes more strength
To stand in truth
The ego dies hard
When the heart cuts through
What breaks you slow
Is betraying you

Final Chorus
I’m still afraid
But I go anyway
Out of my head
Where it’s safer to stay
I’m still afraid
But you pull at my heart
Where I have to be brave
Without coming apart

(Verse 1)
I was done, doors closed, good on my own
Not looking for anything, staying alone
You kept showing up, even when I said no
Didn’t back down easy… but you moved slow

(Verse 2)
No chaos, no tension, nothing to prove
No edge of a fight, just room to move
We stand in our centers, steady and true
And I choose this path… beside you

(Chorus)
Laying in the meadow, wide summer sky
Warm wind on our skin, stars in our eyes
Blanket in the grass by the edge of the pond
Quiet in the night… where we belong

Ridge in the distance, world standing still
Crickets and night air over the hill
No chaos, no noise, just simple truth—
I’m here… and I love you

(Verse 3)
We’ve known each other, crossing through time
Same place, different space, different state of mind
Something shifted—I don’t know when
I quit fighting it… and leaned in

(Bridge)
I shut it down, you didn’t disappear
Came back again, made it real clear
No big moment, nothing to prove—
Just one day I knew

(Final Chorus)
Laying in the meadow, under that sky
Warm wind moving slow as the night goes by
Grass in the breeze and your hand in mine
No need to rush… we’re right on time

Ridge in the distance, stars breaking through
Whole in myself… still choosing you
No chaos, no fear, nothing to prove—
I’m here… and I love you

Verse 1
Seventeen years, just a ghost from before
Thought that memory stayed in a drawer
Then you showed up out of nowhere one night
No warning, no signal, just there in the light

Said it was business, a job and a plan
Next thing I know we’re just laughing again
I built my life like a fortress of stone
Most men knock once and then they’re gone

Pre-Chorus
Everyone else tried melting the ice
Mostly they bounced off it twice
But you just laugh and take your time
Like you’ve got nowhere else to be

Chorus
Aw damn… here we go
Heart says jump and my brain says slow
Mind’s checking everything twice for red flags
Heart’s already unpacking its bags

I worked too hard to lose myself
Bending my shape for somebody else
But somehow you slipped through the cracks in my plan
And aw damn… I might like this man

Verse 2
Lately I’m smiling alone in my car
Laughing at texts wondering who you are
And there’s three little words climbing up my chest
My brain keeps saying not yet, not yet

Pre-Chorus
Slow it down, breathe it in
Make damn sure where this begins
Some sparks burn fast and disappear
So I’m letting this grow quiet and clear

Chorus
Aw damn… here we go
Heart says yes and my brain says whoa
Mind’s running checks on the whole damn sky
Heart’s writing songs I won’t let it try

I promised myself I’d stay aligned
Mission and center, my peace of mind
But you show up laughing and there goes the plan
And aw damn… I might like this man

Verse 3
You’re steady but gentle with me
You hear every word when I speak
Half the time we’re just laughing again
And damn… you brought hope back in

Bridge
And I’m not telling the world just yet
Some things grow better when they’re kept
Too many voices ruin the flame
This quiet spark is mine to claim

Final Chorus
Aw damn… here we go
Heart’s getting louder but I’m moving slow
Still in my center, still in my lane
But you make the sunlight fall different on my day

Didn’t plan this, swear I didn’t
But here you are and I’m somehow in it

Aw damn…
I think I’m falling.

Verse 1
You told your stories while you smiled to my face
Built a whole damn courtroom out of gossip and disgrace
You called it truth, I called it theater dressed up nice
But every word you threw at me just sharpened my life

Pre-Chorus
All that shade you tried to throw
Just helped me finally grow

Chorus
Go fxxx yourself twice
Actually wait… advice
Go step on Legos barefoot
Every day of your life
Thought you’d wreck my life
Thought you’d watch me fall
Turns out all your bullshit
Didn’t matter much at all

Verse 2
You called me broken, weak, delusional—nice try
Funny how those words look better from your side
You built your little circle, passing judgment like a drink
But truth don’t need a meeting just to prove what people think

Pre-Chorus
Every rumor that you spread
Just got evicted from my head

Verse 3
You said you had my back, yeah, right up to the knife
Nodding like you loved me while you rewrote my life
Turned my name into a story you could twist into your view
That says nothing about me—and everything about you

Chorus
Go fxxx yourself twice
Hold up… new advice
Go step on Legos barefoot
Every day of your life
Thought you’d wreck my name
Thought you’d win somehow
But the view’s amazing from the life I’m living now

Bridge

I was gonna say go fxxx yourself twice
But honestly that still sounds nice

So here’s something a little more precise

Go choke on your ego
See how that feels
Keep telling that story
If it helps you deal

You can keep your version
You can keep your crew
But I finally realized

I don’t answer to you

Final Chorus

Go fxxx yourself twice
Yeah I said it out loud
Take your bag of opinions
And your whispering crowd
Thought you’d break my world
Turns out that ain’t true
Best revenge I ever found
Was living better without you

Outro

I wish you growth
I wish you clarity
Maybe a little therapy

But mostly…

Go Away.
Go Away-ay
Go Away.
Go Away.

VERSE 1

I chose the quiet, chose my own north,
No one was worthy, so I stayed my worth.
I locked my chest like a coded door,
Swore I was done—wanted nothing more.

Then you showed up like sudden sun,
Woke what I buried, undid what I’d done.
Wolves in the snow started waking up—
And I laughed like, “well… I don’t hate it.”

CHORUS

You shook the dust off the locks within — I don’t hate it,
You turned my quiet back into skin — I don’t hate it,
I don’t need saving, I saved my name — I don’t hate it,
But you bring heat without bringing shame — I don’t hate it,

So if it ends before it starts, I’m still all in — I don’t hate it,
’Cause you woke the wild I buried in — I don’t hate it,
And if you leave like the rest might do — I don’t hate it,
You made me remember what life can do — I don’t hate it.

VERSE 2

You chased me steady, no tricks, no act,
Kept your feet true on a faithful track.
I ran, I stalled, I tested the thread,
You stayed right there like, “not dead yet.”

I kept my crown on a razor line,
You chased me hard, but you gave me time.
That kind of patience? That kind of grace?
Yeah… it rewrote the room in my ribcage.

VERSE 3

I feared your staying more than your touch,
Feared you deciding I’m simply too much.
But you kept coming, calm and sure,
Like you weren’t scared of my weather anymore.

So I let the moment open wide,
Let hope roll in like a rising tide.
Not a fairytale—just something true,
And it felt like breath I forgot I knew.

BRIDGE

If you can’t hold me when storms get loud,
I’ll keep the heat you pulled from stone.
A lantern matters even when it’s gone—
It showed me I’m not alone.

FINAL CHORUS

You shook the dust off the locks within — I don’t hate it,
You turned my quiet back into skin — I don’t hate it,
I don’t need saving, I saved my name — I don’t hate it,
But you bring heat without bringing shame — I don’t hate it,

So if it ends before it starts, I’m still all in — I don’t hate it,
’Cause you woke the wild I buried in — I don’t hate it,
And if you leave like the rest might do — I don’t hate it,
You made me remember what life can do — I don’t hate it.