Courtney Devlin

Why am I here
Sitting on a lap
Evading eye contact
Staring into the voids
The whispers, the voices
It's all white noise

They medicate
You spectate
They discuss
We adjust

Am I broken, like you say?
Tell me, what am I doing wrong?
Please tell me, how do I fix this?

Tell me, doctor, is it
Antianxiety, or self-esteem?
Tell me, Dad, is it
Antidepressant, or engagement?
Please tell me, Mom, is it really
Antipsychotic, or self-control?

Distorted days (swallow and smile)
Pass into weeks (and again)
Weeks into months (and again)
Am I doing it right?

The peace, an illusion
Too stabilized to recognize
The storm brewing inside
The screams, the tears
No one sees, no one hears

And yet
You medicate
You spectate
You discuss
We adjust

The games, the parties, the drink
I understand the appeal
Though we're just out of sync
I long to genuinely feel
But it's merely in theory

Maybe if I alter the chemicals
My senses won't be so dull
I can be more present
But to what extent?

The peace, a facade
Does it make me a fraud?
If I reach out into the chaos
Maybe a fellow heart will find me
Or will someone tear me apart
Lord knows I'm already bleeding

Do I need someone in my corner
To stand beside me, behind me
To remind me
I'm not broken

Yet again,
We medicate
You spectate
We discuss
We adjust

But my reality
Is the reality
That I may never know
What was natural
Or the consequences
Of an experiment

I picked up the pieces
I have made my peace
I stumbled
Struggled
Survived

I medicate
My mental state
And thrive
I am still alive