Crystal Howard

Happy or sad
Are the only two moods I’m ever in
I didn’t know it wasn’t normal
To never experience the word content

Having racing thoughts
Constantly
I can’t concentrate on things
I can’t remember anything

The paranoia sets in
And I start to question everything

Does he really love me?
Does he even like me?
I’m not worthy of love
So how could he ever love me?

So I’ve convinced myself
That’s he’s just putting on a show
Maybe out of guilt? Obligation?
Or loneliness, who really knows

And my mind starts to run wild
Like it has a mind of it’s own
Has he finally realized I’m too broken?
And he’s better off alone?

And he must be talking to other people
Cause I’m so damn ugly and weird
There’s no way he’d really pick me
I’m fxxxing worthless, so why would he?

Now I’m convinced all of this has to be true
Because I’m the girl that doesn’t deserve love
I’m the one they never choose

And just as fast as I went up
I’ll fall as far down as it goes
The depression takes over me
Now I can’t move, I’m like a stone

Suicide starts making sense
When everything else no longer does
Stigma will say it’s only for cowards, or the weak
But that stigma doesn’t fxxxing know me

It’s not selfish and it’s not impulsive
Cause it takes years to convince yourself
There’s no other way out of your own head
They think you’re just running from the world
But they’re wrong, you’re only running from yourself

And all that pain and desperation
Soon makes you feel empty and numb
No other emotion is even possible
Not anger, not sadness, not even love