Kristin Parker

I’m dashing through the rain
Hoping it will wash away my pain

I wasn’t me with you
I still feel nothing familiar
I buried an us to find a me
I cannot breathe the air of freedom yet

Dripping down my chin
Drinking water, rain and tears
It all tastes like blood
Sucking my own life out of me

I’m dashing through the rain
Hoping it will wash away away my pain

The pain of newfound solitude
Of independent responsibility
Cravings finally to satisfy
The wonders of life still waiting for me

I’m dashing through the rain
Hoping it will wash away my pain

Don’t know where I’m gonna sleep tonight
Money was just enough for food
The dog is my good company
Dirty as my soul, free like my mind

I’m dashing through the rain
Hoping it will wash away my pain

And make me love life again at the next sunrise

I left my place, I left my clothes
I didn’t even have a fancy coat
The bottle in my hand is everything I own

You were not the enemy, you were the foe
Luring me in, then pushing me away
Overstepped the line one too many times
I was too scared to see what you actually did to me

You exposed the sides of me that were yet to be constructed
A building site, crash divine head first
Punched a hole in my face to release the air
I no longer care if I’m fair

I’m in search of the future me
The one who’ll hold out her hand
And say ‘You did as well as you could’
The one who’ll gets air into her lungs
A fresh breath of this fantasy called life

Street signs lit, getting lost in the night
Have to find myself before the sun shines bright
I know you’re coming after me

I need to find the future me
The one who’ll open her mouth
And kick and scream and shout
The one who knows justice is fair
Will no longer pull her hair in despair

I want to find the future me
The one who struts her stuff
Protecting the ones behind in line
The one who knows her way, be it dark or light
Who has become a living future dream

I’m dead behind my smiling eyes
Your hugs imprison me
Your words frighten me
And yet I have to make you feel

That I’m not tired at night
That I’m ready and willing
Come flyin’ at your whim
Always the next best thing

Spending time with you

But I’m just tired at night
Tired in the morning
Tired whenever you are near

You suck up my frozen blood
Make me feel small, diminished
A speck on the floor
A shadow of who I was about to become

I know you’re trying
Hard and thorough
To get back who I was to you

Spending time with you

Has become a waste of time for me
A source of pain and agony
I cannot see you, smell you anymore

It’s keepin’ me tired at night
Tired in the morning
Tired whenever you are near

The sight of you is the sight I fear
Your voice I hear with covered ears
The very thought of you
A shiver makes me ill

It’s all keepin’ me tired
So very tired

A flash of light
A broken heart
A dripping knife
And my pounding heart

And now I’m caught
Vortex of thoughts and feelings
Formerly suppressed
Ready to suck me in

Into the underworld
Underworld of my mind
Where there’s no light
And there’s no sound

A cry in the rain
A streak of red velvet
A shiver down my spine
And the echo of my pounding heart

Caught in the vortex
Thoughts and feelings
Images now
Formed under pressure

Into the underworld
Underworld of my mind
Where there’s no light
And there’s no sound

A sorrow and a sigh
A life not yet lived
The fear and desire
Tearing me apart

The vortex of my unconscious
Torments me forevermore
Unless I succumb
Unless I jump in

Into the underworld
Underworld of my mind
Where there’s no light
And there’s no sound

And I have to be the master of both

Honeybread is my favorite snack
Makes me slow down, makes me focus
Blocks the noise of the world for a little bit

I’ve switched off my watch
09:30 all day long
I’ll get fired and I’ll lose a friend
I hate it and I’m sad

Honeybread is my favorite snack
An egg and a scrap of bacon
and I’m done for the day

Music’s drifting down from above
I’ve never heard this song
I’ll cry and I’ll sigh
I fear and I try

Honeybread is my favorite snack
Comfort and nutrition in the palm of my hand
Feeding body, mind and soul

I hear the light rain drops too
Washing away all the masks and layers
I’ll go and I’ll be
I’ll breathe and I’ll live

Honeybread is my favorite snack
Makes me care about me, show some respect again
Tells me I matter and I dare

I’ve switched off my watch
09:30 all day long

I don’t want to be the goddess of ethereal beauty
Dating the knight in shining armor
My beauty is rugged and my knight has a bit of a gut
We deliberately skip dinners at candlelight for a sofa movie night

Shiny objects can’t tease me anymore
I spend my money on learning to connect,
On learning to learn, on making the me of my dreams
Shiny objects have drained me for years,
Have made me weak and interdependent
I saw no light at the end of the gleaming tunnel

I don’t want to be someone’s bedside poster girl
And I don’t want the guy in the tailored suit
I want to dance the night away standing in the mud
And I want to be kissed into the first light of dawn

Shiny objects have already cost me a whole lot of my life
Time and energy even more than money
All I had was society’s approval
Shiny objects have teased me for as long as I can think
Have distracted me from who I really am
Have turned me into a brainless coat hanger on legs

Shiny objects - the root cause of my evil
Shiny objects - the dust on this cover called existence
Shiny objects - nothing could be further from the glaring truth

Shiny objects cannot tease me anymore
I spend my money, time and energy on
Putting back together what is left of my life
Goodbye society, I’m no longer yours

I have no style, I have no attitude
I have no personality, I have no goal
I left it all behind when I was pushed into the dirt
My sanity I never had
My driver’s license the only proof that I do exist

And then you look me in the eye
Disgust is pouring from your face
Your lips are thin, your brows in a frown
You believe what’s in our minds is what decides
Why you’re making it and I am not

My mind - twisted to the extent that you say it’s not
The epitomy of average, I walk down the street
Nobody daring to look, nobody daring to ask
How I pay my bills, how I live my life

Yours is the hardest - or so you say
At least I’m trying to sail the ship
While you’re still wading ashore

No I don’t have a house, a car, a fancy phone
I pay the bus fare with rhinestone change
I take my clothes to the public wash house
And I study at the public library
My shoes are used, my body abused

My mind is twisted to the extent that you say it’s not
The epitomy of broke, I keep my distance from society
Nobody daring to say hello, nobody daring to care
If I am happy too, if I’d like a friend

You are out of luck - or so you think
At least I’m trying to sail the ship
While you’re still wading ashore

I still have a vision, a heart and soul
I still refuse to let my spirit be buried under the weight of your life
Maybe I’m not a goddess in white light
Maybe I can still get you to look at me
See my defiant eyes, my resilient smile

You are out of luck - or so you think
At least I’m trying to sail the ship
While you’re still wading ashore

My mind is twisted to the extent that you say it’s not
The epitomy of society, you avoid the beacon of hope that I am
Not daring to soak up a little sunshine, nor follow your inner voice
Because it might make you happy, might make you want more

Make you want to claim that luck you know is yours
Get a flimsy raft at least,
Turn your back to the shore and set sail on your own again

I worked at night, I worked by day
I’m a layman popping out of the hay
Must’ve been golden times
When you just had to be discovered for your art to be considered wise

Now I’m a needle in someone’s haystack
A rotting thing in corner you only look at with your back
And I have to fight for my right
To live and die, eat and sleep, day and night

I stand at attention
Sweating, panting, exhausted with hoping
I know I have to play it cool
Act like I don’t need contract, money or you

I believe in what I do, I believe in the artist in me
But I live in a world where that’s not key
My worth determined by the numbers I bring
My work of art nothing more than another thing

I stand at attention
Sweating, panting, exhausted with playing
I know I have to stay in the game
To get any chance at contract, money and you

You say it’s great what I do
Next, you wanna determine everything like I don’t have a clue
I have to fight for my freedom, an existential right
My only retreat is when I write at night

Ignoring my empty battery,
Ignoring my need for sleep,
I’ve become a slave to money, slave to money
When all I wanted at the start was to be the slave of my own art

I stand at attention
Trembling, fearing, tired of my own affirmations
I know I have to make you believe that this is it for me
To get you to give me access to contract, money and you